Grieving The Loss Of A Child
The loss of a child is the most stressful and inconsolable of losses to deal with not only for the bereaved parents, but for all who surround them. It violates the natural order of things and it’s not fair for an innocent to see their dreams unfulfilled. As parents, we may feel we are solely responsible for the well-being of our children and we may feel like we have failed our child.
Often we don’t know what to say or do for grieving parents, so we do nothing. However, the month of July is designated as Bereaved Parents Awareness Month, a time for supporting friends and loved ones who’ve experienced the stress and loss of a child.
Seeing It Happen To Other Families
I watched as my husband`s parents grieved for the loss of their son, my husband`s only sibling. I watched how my brother-in-law`s wife`s parents grieved for the loss of their daughter. Together they were killed by a drunk and drugged driver. Their pain was evident and their grieving styles so different, as was the responses of their family and friends.
Grieving and Bereaved Parents and Emotional Expressions
These are a few of the expressions described at http://www.kulkkula.com/bereavementawareness/parents.htm:
Disbelief:
Often people will comment on how well they are doing, but it could be, they just don`t believe that it has really happened.
Shock:
The bereaved parent may feel or appear disoriented, restless, numb, bewildered, stunned and unable to think.
Sobbing/Crying:
Crying is helpful to release all that pent-up emotion.
Physical Symptoms:
The bereaved parent may lack or have an increase of appetite; sleeplessness or oversleeping; knot or emptiness in pit of stomach; tightness in throat; shaky legs; headaches; trembling; chills; fatigue; chest pains; general achiness; difficulty swallowing and/or speaking; digestive disorders (indigestion, nausea, diarrhea); feeling weak or faint; tension; slower in speech or movement; temporary paralysis of limb or sight.
Denial:
The bereaved parent may subconsciously be searching for their child when out in a crowd or when they open the door.
Why?:
“WHY” seems to need to be asked repeatedly in an effort to make sense of the loss.
Repetition:
The bereaved parent may repeat the same things to the same people.
Reality of Death:
This is a frightening time as it may seem as if the bereaved parent is going backwards.
Confusion:
The simplest decisions may seem impossible and the bereaved parent may have difficulty concentrating.
Idealization:
The bereaved parent may only see their child as perfect and may compare themselves or others to that loved one
Identification:
The bereaved parent may seek to identify with their child by wearing their clothes or taking up a sport they liked.
Anxiety/Panic:
The bereaved parent may fear being alone or be worried about the future. They may feel like they are losing control or are “going crazy.”
Bargaining:
The parent may try to bargain with God that “things will be different;” or that they will try to be a better person if only their child can be alive again.
Depression:
Sometimes the bereaved parent may hurt so much that they just don’t care about anything. It may be an effort just to get out of bed, to shop, or fix a simple meal.
Relief (Laughter):
This phase comes and goes and the bereaved parent may be able to recall the fun times.
Lowered Self-Esteem:
A bereaved parent’s confidence is often undermined.
Preoccupation:
The bereaved parent may think of nothing but the loss.
Guilt:
Bereaved parents tend to blame themselves for something they did or didn’t do that may have contributed to the death, or for things that wished that they had done for their child.
Anger:
Anger is normal. Pushing down anger is harmful.
Loneliness:
The bereaved parent may feel intense loneliness due to the absence of their child, because they are unable to share thoughts and feelings, to touch, or to be understood.
Despair:
The bereaved parent may feel as if there would be little difference if they lived or died. They may have suicidal thoughts.
Sadness:
These feelings seem to pervade their life.
Helplessness:
The bereaved parent may feel that they are unable to help themselves or others cope, or get better.
Envy:
They may feel jealous of people who still have their child.
Frustration:
They may be disappointed that they are not coping as well as everyone thinks they should.
Resentment/Bitterness/Hatred:
Bereaved parents may feel resentful about the death and their changed circumstances.
Limbo:
The bereaved parent may reach an in-between point between the reality of death and the point where life seems worthwhile again.
Hope Emerges:
The good days outbalance the bad days and they may feel encouraged that they will get better.
Missing:
The bereaved parent will always miss their child and special events may trigger the feeling of longing even more.
Struggle with New Life Patterns:
The bereaved parent starts to rebuild a new life that will be different but can be enjoyed.
Life is Worth Living:
Eventually the bereaved parent may be able to think and talk about their child with happiness and a sense of peace.
Pride:
The bereaved parent may overcompensate for how they are really feeling or may not ask for help and can complicate the grief process.
Beverly`s Hot Tips For Building Resiliency Through Bereaved Parents Awareness Month:
- Don`t avoid the parents. The child`s death may make you very uncomfortable and it may make you contemplate the mortality of your own children. It is okay for you to not know what to say or how to help. A listening ear may be what they need the most. I love the sentiment that one parent received from a friend: “Grieve well. One day you will cease to remember him with tears and instead remember him with smiles.”
- For many, the first year after a child’s death can be the most difficult. Anniversaries, birthdays and holidays will trigger pain and tears. Don`t avoid these dates but provide an opportunity for the parent to grieve and remember and not feel like they must hold the grief under control.
- Be aware and provide support for both the health of the bereaved parents and their relationships.
- According to research, bereaved mothers and fathers experience more physical and emotional issues than do non-bereaved parents, including severe depression, mortality due to illness and suicide.
- Irreparable damage can be made to the family or their marriage. It is estimated that over 70% of marriages where a child has died, end in separation or divorce.
It is not something that you prepare yourself for as you do when you experience the loss of an aging parent or partner. Grieving parents may think, do, and say things that are very unlike who they really are and as their family and friends, our job is to be there for them and not judge their reactions as justified or unfair.
In loving memory of Ed and Tina and for our parents Carol, Al, Dave and Norma.
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John Boston says
15 years ago we lost a son . He was stillborn. Reading your post brings back so many memories of that time on our lives. I personally feel that after loosing a child it is like carrying a stone in your pocket. At first it hurts a lot then the edges wear off and it becomes shiney but once in a while it still hurts. After our son we had 2 more daughters and still…… always wonder what if?
Thanks for your post.
Beverly Beuermann-King says
Thank you John for sharing this image of carrying your shiny stone along your journey. Blessings to you and your family.
Carrie Hackwelder-Longo says
I lost my 21-year-old son two and a half years ago. It is a huge misconception to say that the first year is the most difficult. Sure, the “firsts” are horrendous – first Christmas without them, first birthday, first Mother’s Day… however, anyone who has lost a child will tell you that the second year is one that completely devastating. The shock wears off and the reality of never getting your child back sets in. And, then you have the intense pain of really missing him/her. I am well into my third year and I had thought that it would get better… only to find myself back to waking up with tears and being triggered by things I hadn’t been able to foresee. One of the most painful struggles that a parent dealing with child-loss has is getting people to realize that this is not something that goes away or gets better in a year. It doesn’t get better. Your ability to cope changes. You find different places to find hope. However, child-loss is a life-long struggle. After a year, everyone else expects you to move on because everyone thinks the worst is over. It is not helpful – in fact, it causes more stress and adds to the feelings of failure that the world expects you to be “over it” in a year. Please don’t add to that misconception by saying that first year is the most difficult.
Beverly Beuermann-King says
Hi Carrie. I am so sorry for the loss of your son and for the pain that you have been facing. My son is currently 21 and I couldn’t imagine how difficult it would be to cope if anything were to happen to him. I updated the article as I know the first year is not always the most difficult and I would not want anyone who was seeking support to assume that they just ‘needed to get through the first year’. I hope that you are able to reach out to family, friends and professionals to help you along your path. Thank you for taking the time to make sure that this article was supportive and helpful to others. Sincerely, Beverly
Mary Andol says
Beverly, you covered the situation pretty well. I for one would like to hear about research into the physical symptoms of a parent’s grief as it seems to be prevalent in the closed FB groups of which I am a member. I suffer from the physical ailments myself. Of course much of it is caused by stress, but it would seem that something more could be done than simply dismissing it as many physicians, including mine, seem to be wont to do. Maybe a checklist for physicians because they are usually second on the list only to the coroner, mortician, people like that. Maybe a checklist: Is someone around who will prepare meals for you for a month or so? Are you drinking water? Taking your regular meds? Exercising? Vitamins? On another note, language does evolve over time. Today it seems to change constantly. You use the heading Envy followed by the statement that bereaved parents can be jealous of parents with surviving children. Envy usually means that we want what the other person has and we don’t want them to have it. I don’t think you would find that to be true of those of us who have lost a child. We long to have our child back with us. Some may be jealous, but I truly don’t think we are envious. IDK. I could be wrong. Thank you for putting this out there. Maybe it will help others to understand a little better that it doesn’t end on the first Memory Date. It never ever ends. I don’t understand why we have been given a special Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and the month of July. I can’t speak for others, but all this recognition just makes it more difficult. We need understanding that will never come for one simple reason. We did not understand either until it happened to us. Peace, Levi’s Mom.
Beverly Beuermann-King says
Thank you Mary for sharing and bringing light to the physical side of loss and grief. It would be great to have a checklist that not only doctors can ask but so can friends who are concerned. Also thank you for the perspective on Envy/Jealousy. Our language is limited and I absolutely agree that no one would wish this loss onto another. Pain doesn’t end on a special memory date and I hope that for many it is more like John’s stone image from above. But, I recognize for some that doesn’t reflect their pain either. I wish you memories of Levi that make you smile and lighten the heaviness, even if only for a moment.
Dandy Myles says
I can’t tell what year this article was published but I’d like to express gratitude to you for writing it. I appreciate it very much. In 2018 my son died at age 16. It looks like I will survive but that’s all I’ll do, survive. To be more specific, survival looks like: going to work to pay for the essentials (food, shelter, etc.), eating, grooming, watching TV, sleeping, then I’ll repeat it all again the next day. That’s not living, that’s surviving.
I understand what one of the other parents said about the misconception that the first year is the hardest. The years that follow are a different kind of “hard” and come with different challenges, like friends, family, and co-workers expecting you to “get over” the death of a child. It’s absurd to think someone would get over it and move on. I’m making my way through year 4 and the new challenge is the lack of people that call or text on his birthday or the anniversary of his death. If people forget that he died or has a birthday then they forget he ever existed. Say hello to more tears and welcome more panic attacks. It doesn’t get easier, but you get smarter and your PTSD teaches you what you need to avoid to ensure survival.
In 2019, my company began offering a new benefit to employees, 2-weeks paid parental leave when you have/adopt a child. I want to know why the acquisition of a child garners 2-weeks paid parental leave and the death of a child is only worth 1-week paid bereavement leave! Bereaved parents aren’t even protected by FMLA yet and NOW employers are going to start offering more benefits to the employees who are blessed with a child and snub those who have been robbed of a child. Let’s just say, since this injustice, I have been having a fit in the workplace and raising h*ll all over the internet. Thanks again for helping raise awareness.
-Quentin’s Mom
Beverly Beuermann-King says
My heart goes out to you and I certainly can’t imagine only receiving one week off. I would hope that employers would be much more compassionate and understanding. I wish you peace and that someday you find yourself truly living again. All my best to Quentin’s Mom.